Jennifer Imus Photography » Blog

My girls had the day off of school today for Veterans Day. And when I woke up this morning (at 7:30!!) I couldn’t believe how quiet it was (not a good sign). Then I realized they had shut my door (an even WORSE sign). I got up and went looking for them and found them playing in another room with THEIR door closed (the worst of ALL signs!). And what did I find? My two happy babies sweetly playing a game of SORRY, singing songs and giggling. When they saw me, they said “good morning!” and told me that they closed my door so I could sleep in… I almost fell to my knees with a HALLELUJAH, AMEN and a PRAISE THE LORD.

I don’t know if it was gratitude or just feeling so unusually well-rested, but I decided to make them pumpkin pancakes. We followed that with movie watching and snuggling on the couch. It was after that they informed me that today should be a pajama-wearing, craft-doing, movie-watching, don’t-leave-the-house-at-all kind of day. I could tell they needed it… and I realized that **I** needed it, too. They are working so much harder in school now, homework is all-encompassing (and entirely too much for their age) so between that, soccer, tutoring, reading, etc. there is so little time to just BE. And that state of just BEING is a state that kids need to have time to exist in. It’s when creativity can thrive, when their imaginations rev up, when they stop to just be kids again.

At lunch time they decided they wanted to eat something they could “create”. So we decided to make grilled-cheese characters. I have no idea what the rest of the day holds in store for us… but I know that I am going to relax and enjoy the ride…

As most of you know, my mom passed away last month after battling Alzheimer’s disease.

I’ve been told that grieving the loss of a loved one is a process… a long one and a never-ending one. This is a concept, however, that I am struggling with big time. My personality is one that likes to go burrow away somewhere, feel the pain all at once and then be done with it. The whole, sitting with your feelings idea isn’t something I’m a fan of. I’m more of the rip-the-bandaid-off-now-so-I-can-feel-the-pain-and-move-on kind of girl. But grief isn’t like that. Grief is one of those things that comes in waves. Some days it’s like a bell-curve… you don’t really notice much and then BAM, you get hit hard with it. Other days, it’s more like a heart-monitor…. little blips throughout the day.

My girls are still struggling which of course is hard for me on so many different levels. We’ve had a lot of rain here recently, and one day we were driving in the car and my oldest saw a break in the clouds where the sun was shining through and she said, “Look, Mama! Do you think Nunna is sending us a sign?”. They still ask me why she can’t be here, why she had to die, why other kids get to still have all their grandparents and they don’t. I tell them that I don’t understand it either. That God has a plan for all of us and his plan was to take her on September 3rd. That sometimes people’s bodies (and minds) wear out faster than their souls do. Ultimately I tell them that I just don’t know why.

When you lose someone you love, you are left with a hole. A big, painful, confusing hole that nothing can fill. And this hole leaves you off-balance… not quite as steady as you once were. And it’s not something that most people around you notice… it’s one of those things that you feel as you move through your days. And it doesn’t go away.

I’ve decided that I am really, really pissed off at this disease that took my mom’s life. This ugly disease that robbed her of her dignity, of her memories, of her emotions, of her mobility, of her personality, and ultimately her life. I hate it.

I started doing the Alzheimer’s Association Memory Walk last year after my mom was diagnosed. This year, it was harder for me. I almost didn’t even go. I didn’t even start to fundraise until a few weeks before because I just didn’t know if I could bring myself to do it so soon after she died. Ultimately, I decided that it was a good way to honor her… to raise money to fight this disease I’m so pissed off at. But mostly to do something for my mom.

So we went. It was raining on and off the whole time. It was cold. My kids were whiny and tired. And so much of it was depressing as hell… seeing all those people wearing their signs “in honor of” or “in memorial of” a loved one with the disease. Hearing stories of people who were caring for loved ones who didn’t even recognize them anymore. Realizing that there is no cure.

At the end, though, they announced that the total money raised for our one event that day was over $250,000. That’s HUGE. And the $1,000 I raised helped with that.

(Photo taken and edited in iPhone)

My girls walked in the rain for their Nunna. They’re still pretty young to understand why we do the walk, why it’s important to fight against this disease. But at one point during the walk, my oldest daughter turned to me and said that if I ever got sick with Alzheimer’s, she would do the walk for me. I fought back my tears and hugged her and told her that I loved her and that I hoped that we would find a cure before that could happen.

One step at a time….

Fall is my most favorite time of year. Growing up in the Midwest, the Fall season was MAGICAL. As a kid, you would go back to school, and within a few weeks the weather would become just a bit chilly, the leaves would change into intense shades of red, orange and yellow. And we would go to visit the cider mill.

Now these cider mills know how to do it up. Fresh baked doughnuts, freshly-pressed cider, apple pies… and of course crisp apples.

In Southern California last week we hit new temperature records. Downtown Los Angeles hit an ALL-TIME high of 112. Meaning it has NEVER been that hot before. Crazy. Here in the O.C. we hit around 108. And it’s been too hot for Fall ever since.

Today, we decided to take a trip to an apple orchard. It was a small orchard in San Bernadino county… and it was fun. But awfully hot, no cider, no doughnuts… but lots and lots of apples.

My kids, who are basically California kids now, thought it was really fun. They tried hard to find the reddest apples on the tree (which meant climbing on Daddy’s shoulders to get up high!). They had fun. Which is all that matters.

But I will take them back to Michigan someday… to a REAL cider mill… and God willing temperatures that reach only into the 60′s!!